Dry your tears and lets fight baby!

Right breast mastectomy with immediate silicone implant reconstruction – done in May 2018.

The implant was placed on top of my chest muscle with some mesh to support it and for the first few weeks it looked great. But after about 4 weeks when the swelling began to subside the dreaded rippling appeared around my implant.



In addition, my nipples were no longer even after surgery -my right one was 3cm higher than my left. Oh deep joy. Just when I felt like the clouds were parting and I was moving forward with life, I’m pulled backwards yet again.

Gutted. Gutted. Gutted.


I kept my mind focussed though and didn’t allow any time for self pity or the ‘why me’ mentality. Lets face it, I’m still a very lucky girl and if this is the worst I have to face then absolutely bring it on. I’m 100% baddass and I know its time to dig deep (again) and push through yet another chapter of this breast cancer journey (again).

Fighting 100% Like a Girl.


So, I got an appointment to see my surgeon, Adam Critchley at the RVI and he was totally un-phased by this rippling around my implant. Apparently its to be expected with this type of surgery and can be corrected with lipomodelling (taking fat from the tummy and placing it around the implant). He also assured me that the difference in nipple height is easily fixable too and added me to the waiting list for surgery. I’ve come to love Adam so bloody much -The Breast Whisperer 🙂  He’s always got solutions to problems.



On Thursday last week I got a surprise phone call from Adam’s secretary saying they had a last minute cancellation and was I free for surgery on Tuesday? Waaaah! YEESSSS.



I grabbed the opportunity to have surgery and felt beyond elated after the phone call.

Then about 2 minutes after, I cried. Properly sobbed.

More surgery. More unknown outcomes. Surgery on the nipple of my good breast to match my rippling implant breast -is that the right thing? What if none of it works and I’m worse off? What if I mess up my one good breast? What if the fat grafting doesn’t take around the implant? What if I can never look remotely like I used to and I’m making things worse by going ahead with this? Will my husband ever find me sexually attractive again?

Yep, suddenly I was the Conductor and Driver of The Hot Mess Express and having a mini meltdown in a chaotic 15 minute panic driven spin. What if, what if, what if…. What if it was all going to be more than ok? -that happy thought was a million miles away and drowned out completely.

Thank God Keith got home from work and brought me to my senses.

Once I’d regained my composure and kicked my inner shit’s ass I felt calm(ish) again.



I’m sat at home now 4 days post surgery and very happy with the results I currently see. The rippling has disappeared. My left nipple has been lifted and matches my right one. My lipo’d areas of tummy and ‘flanks’ (muffin top) are so tender and bruised. I feel like I’ve gone 10 rounds with Mike Tyson and I’ve got 6 wounds with dissolvable stitches. That lipomodelling is bloody hardcore and painful stuff. Sore. I mean SORE. I’m bruised beyond words and walking with a stoop but all for good reason. Short term pain for long term gain 🙂  Only time will tell whether this surgery has worked and thats one thing I’m grateful to have -time.

Yes, I fight like a girl. 

Yes, life can feel awesome and shit in the space of 60 seconds.

Yes, I self destruct at times.

Yes, I kick the ass of my inner demons and fears.

Yes, I worry about whats coming next.

Yes, I worry about whether my husband will find me sexually attractive again.

Yes, I’ve 100% got this…because I fight like a girl.

Just hang in there…

Its only the beginning of July and already 2018 has been a serious life changing biggie for me.

I was diagnosed with cancer for the third time in 5 years so its been a total gut wrenching nightmare of a shit storm.

2013 was kidney cancer which resulted in the removal of a 9cm tumour and the loss of my left kidney. No warning signs or feeling unwell. This is the mind blowing thing -not having the faintest sniff of being slightly unwell. Thank God for the surgical skills of the awesome Anna O’Riordan.

2014 was breast cancer. There are no words to describe the devastating pain that struck here. A low grade cancer.  I had ‘breast conserving surgery’ in the form of a lumpectomy. There was minimal loss of ‘volume’ to my right breast and after the surgery looking in the mirror I could hardly notice the difference. I was lucky. A tiny scar under my right armpit and no visible difference to my breasts. Compared to some, I sailed through it…

My Mum died of breast cancer on Christmas day when I was 16. She was 42 and the pain of losing her has gone on endlessly ever since. There was no mercy that Christmas. If you can suffer from a fractured soul then I literally heard my own soul break when she died. It happened and I had no choice but to watch it all unfold and happen before my very eyes -and it broke me. She died in St Mary’s Hospital, Paddington and whenever I walk by that place my eyes swell up with hot tears, my heart aches and the darkest cloud of pain comes over me.

2018 saw the return of breast cancer with a vengeance. Never have I wept so much in my entire life (not since Mum died). I was up to my neck in fear and despair and it was all too much to bear at times. My husband and daughter were my life support system and they carried me through this whole horrific rollercoaster.

On the 8th May I had a mastectomy of my right breast with immediate reconstruction. I seriously count my blessings for the NHS and the life changing reconstructive surgery they can do today. Adam Critchley in Newcastle’s RVI was my surgeon and he turned my world around. A silicone implant and yet more scars but this reconstruction has brought me back to life. Losing a breast is heartbreaking. Beyond heartbreaking. But then the magic of surgical intervention comes in to play and does its life changing magnificent thing.

For every woman who goes through this experience, who cries and sobs, feels alone, broken and destroyed and like its just not possible to carry on -OH BABY, YES. YOU. CAN.
You can do this. Dig deep. Deeper than you’ve ever dug before because theres a FIERCE warrior in you thats there waiting to rise and take you through the darkest and stormy of days.

So thats me, and some of the recent shit I’ve endured.
Its not a sob story. Not at all.
I’m lucky to be here, and I know it. In fact I feel blessed.
I’m just an example of how its possible to push through. Be your own hero and rescue squad. Glue and mend a broken soul.
Yes, it absolutely got messy.
Yes, I got hurt.
Yes, I got up and got through it.
Yes, I got strength I didn’t know I had.
YES, 100% I got this -and I sparkled a little bit too.