New Chapter

New Year. New house. New environment. New start on so many levels.

I’m incredibly lucky to be surrounded by the countryside in my new home. We’ve been here almost 2 weeks and I LOVE it -and our 2 working cocker spaniels, Ruby and Pearl, are in their element here in the woods.

Everything feels full of hope and possibility here -and being surrounded by nature means I’ll be able to easily tune into a slower and more seasonal way of living. Thats the theory anyway!

I’ve been planning to start a new business for so long now. It feels too long if I’m honest. Its all stuck in my head now and I seem to have lost the momentum to ‘get things done’. Dreaming about it and finding excuses to not start is much easier… I’ve wondered why I’ve put it off for so long and fear of failure seems to be the underlying cause.

So now to face fear and push ahead with my dream and get listed on Etsy. Start small and dream big.

More to come very soon.

Sending you love and blessings x

Where is life taking me now…

2018 has  been one of the most challenging and life changing years of my entire life. It’s been a process of totally and utterly unravelling and a very careful and conscious rebuilding. And trust me, at 51 years old that’s really saying something.


I’ve lost and I’ve gained in huge and overwhelming proportions. But I made it. Even though I there were times I thought I couldn’t carry on with the burden and all the pain.


This year has created a new Me rising from deep inside to embrace all of my weirdness and creative interests.


I’ve learned so much…

Control was never mine and loosening my grip on life has not been easy. But I’ve learned to let so much go and to  breathe in the good things. To allow these things to teach me and feed me -because they will.

I’ve spent way too much time living in my head. I was a slave to my own vision of my future and not fully committing to living it, rather just dreaming it because it was safer and easier to dream.

I’m no longer worrying about other people’s opinion of me, how to keep their attention, how to appear more appealing, hoping for their validation. I’ve gone through the pain of unraveling to reveal ME.

I was completely drained by my past and all the painful memories it holds.

I was pulled and drawn into technology multiple times every hour of the day. Phone screens, tv screens, pc screen constant distractions.

I’ve learned to appreciate each and every moment and allow myself to lean in to the sensory experience of the simplest things.

To be present and engaged to fully feel a place while I’m actually in it could be just what I’ve needed all along. To live slowly and more consciously with the seasons and nature.

To devote the precious time to the people I’m sharing moments with. Because these moments create the whole living experience I’m here to participate in and life is passing by rapidly and fiercely.


Remember, You are the owner of your life. And Your life deserves to be lived your way.


All the loving vibes.

Elaine x



Energy cleansing

Over the past few months I’ve been having a huge re-think on so many levels -and taking care of your own ‘personal energy’ has cropped up time and time again for me.


We take the time to clean our homes, our clothes, our bodies, our cars…the list of stuff goes on and on.  Cleaning is definitely something most of us do frequently, and without much thought but its important to us to keep our possessions, bodies and environments clean.


When I went in for surgery earlier this year, the attention to having a clean and sterile environment was of paramount importance. When an operation takes place in theatre there are restrictions on who can enter and leave the room, for obvious reasons.


So why don’t we focus half as much attention towards our own personal energy and space? People enter our space every day and each person brings their own particular vibe into our realm. You know what I’m talking about, ‘vibes’. There are people who can  leave you feeling drained, angry, frustrated, happy, uplifted etc. and whether we like it or not, energy can linger. We cant always control the people we come into contact with and we certainly cant control their moods or disposition but these encounters have the potential to leave us feeling a little out of kilter.


Being a huge lover of all things natural, I try to find a solution in nature for most things in my life. And if you’re interested in cleansing your own personal energy or even the energy in your own home then there are plenty of natural remedies to help here.


There are so many herbs that can cleanse a space and their benefits have been used for centuries by Native Americans. Burning herbs of this nature is usually referred to as the ancient art of smudging. It’s the ceremonial name given for the ritual of cleansing and purification using a selection of herbs, often sage, which are bundled together with string to form a smudge stick before being ignited. The smoke from the herbs is believed to cleanse negative energy and purify living spaces, as well as people and objects such as furniture, tools etc.


This is a subject I could dive into and prattle on about for ages, so I’m going to keep this short for now. Its just a little post to put the thought out there for now.


Whatever you do, don’t overlook your own personal energy field. Its all about the vibes!


Sending you all love and good vibes.

Elaine x


Breathe, Darling. This is just a chapter. Its not your whole story.

Boy oh boy this statement is SO very true. But SO very tricky to apply and refer to during those dark and challenging times. And what use would it be anyway? Hearing someone say those words of wisdom when you’re suffering and enduring emotional pain and turmoil is the last thing you really need to hear. Its of zero help.


We all experience times in our lives when a situation becomes so challenging that everything narrows down, the walls start to close in and the darkness drops all around us. It’s absolutely terrifying to be in this space. The endless darkness of that moment will seem to go on forever; no light, no hope, no love. The darkest hour is always before the dawn and there are no phrases or ‘one line’ pearls of wisdom that can help you through this space.

Yes you’ll cry.

Yes, you’ll struggle.

Yes, you’ll feel angry, afraid, alone and lost.

You’ve got to allow those emotions to have their place in your life and flow in and out with grace.


TAKE HEART. Because you’re a real person, with real feelings and real experiences to match. You wont always know your way. You wont always be healthy. You wont always be youthful. You will succeed and you will fail. You will cry and you will laugh. You will love and you will lose. You’re here to live life to its fullest and experience the whole spectrum -and that includes the good, the bad, the ugly and the lovely. Everything is temporary -don’t ever forget that. And with every experience you weather and survive, life has caused you to grow and become more than you were.  Now thats the most effing magnificent thing about this whole life experience. With each passing day, experience and breath, you quite literally become more.


In time when you look back you’ll see you journeyed through all that pain. You survived. You dug deep inside and brought your own light to the darkness. You set yourself free.

Now, take a breath and look at all that power you gained from being your own rescue squad -because no one else is better equipped or more capable than You.


And remember, you’ll be able to look back with ease one day and say ‘Breathe Darling, it was just a chapter, it wasn’t my whole story’.







Dry your tears and lets fight baby!

Right breast mastectomy with immediate silicone implant reconstruction – done in May 2018.

The implant was placed on top of my chest muscle with some mesh to support it and for the first few weeks it looked great. But after about 4 weeks when the swelling began to subside the dreaded rippling appeared around my implant.



In addition, my nipples were no longer even after surgery -my right one was 3cm higher than my left. Oh deep joy. Just when I felt like the clouds were parting and I was moving forward with life, I’m pulled backwards yet again.

Gutted. Gutted. Gutted.


I kept my mind focussed though and didn’t allow any time for self pity or the ‘why me’ mentality. Lets face it, I’m still a very lucky girl and if this is the worst I have to face then absolutely bring it on. I’m 100% baddass and I know its time to dig deep (again) and push through yet another chapter of this breast cancer journey (again).

Fighting 100% Like a Girl.


So, I got an appointment to see my surgeon, Adam Critchley at the RVI and he was totally un-phased by this rippling around my implant. Apparently its to be expected with this type of surgery and can be corrected with lipomodelling (taking fat from the tummy and placing it around the implant). He also assured me that the difference in nipple height is easily fixable too and added me to the waiting list for surgery. I’ve come to love Adam so bloody much -The Breast Whisperer 🙂  He’s always got solutions to problems.



On Thursday last week I got a surprise phone call from Adam’s secretary saying they had a last minute cancellation and was I free for surgery on Tuesday? Waaaah! YEESSSS.



I grabbed the opportunity to have surgery and felt beyond elated after the phone call.

Then about 2 minutes after, I cried. Properly sobbed.

More surgery. More unknown outcomes. Surgery on the nipple of my good breast to match my rippling implant breast -is that the right thing? What if none of it works and I’m worse off? What if I mess up my one good breast? What if the fat grafting doesn’t take around the implant? What if I can never look remotely like I used to and I’m making things worse by going ahead with this? Will my husband ever find me sexually attractive again?

Yep, suddenly I was the Conductor and Driver of The Hot Mess Express and having a mini meltdown in a chaotic 15 minute panic driven spin. What if, what if, what if…. What if it was all going to be more than ok? -that happy thought was a million miles away and drowned out completely.

Thank God Keith got home from work and brought me to my senses.

Once I’d regained my composure and kicked my inner shit’s ass I felt calm(ish) again.



I’m sat at home now 4 days post surgery and very happy with the results I currently see. The rippling has disappeared. My left nipple has been lifted and matches my right one. My lipo’d areas of tummy and ‘flanks’ (muffin top) are so tender and bruised. I feel like I’ve gone 10 rounds with Mike Tyson and I’ve got 6 wounds with dissolvable stitches. That lipomodelling is bloody hardcore and painful stuff. Sore. I mean SORE. I’m bruised beyond words and walking with a stoop but all for good reason. Short term pain for long term gain 🙂  Only time will tell whether this surgery has worked and thats one thing I’m grateful to have -time.

Yes, I fight like a girl. 

Yes, life can feel awesome and shit in the space of 60 seconds.

Yes, I self destruct at times.

Yes, I kick the ass of my inner demons and fears.

Yes, I worry about whats coming next.

Yes, I worry about whether my husband will find me sexually attractive again.

Yes, I’ve 100% got this…because I fight like a girl.

Just hang in there…

Its only the beginning of July and already 2018 has been a serious life changing biggie for me.

I was diagnosed with cancer for the third time in 5 years so its been a total gut wrenching nightmare of a shit storm.

2013 was kidney cancer which resulted in the removal of a 9cm tumour and the loss of my left kidney. No warning signs or feeling unwell. This is the mind blowing thing -not having the faintest sniff of being slightly unwell. Thank God for the surgical skills of the awesome Anna O’Riordan.

2014 was breast cancer. There are no words to describe the devastating pain that struck here. A low grade cancer.  I had ‘breast conserving surgery’ in the form of a lumpectomy. There was minimal loss of ‘volume’ to my right breast and after the surgery looking in the mirror I could hardly notice the difference. I was lucky. A tiny scar under my right armpit and no visible difference to my breasts. Compared to some, I sailed through it…

My Mum died of breast cancer on Christmas day when I was 16. She was 42 and the pain of losing her has gone on endlessly ever since. There was no mercy that Christmas. If you can suffer from a fractured soul then I literally heard my own soul break when she died. It happened and I had no choice but to watch it all unfold and happen before my very eyes -and it broke me. She died in St Mary’s Hospital, Paddington and whenever I walk by that place my eyes swell up with hot tears, my heart aches and the darkest cloud of pain comes over me.

2018 saw the return of breast cancer with a vengeance. Never have I wept so much in my entire life (not since Mum died). I was up to my neck in fear and despair and it was all too much to bear at times. My husband and daughter were my life support system and they carried me through this whole horrific rollercoaster.

On the 8th May I had a mastectomy of my right breast with immediate reconstruction. I seriously count my blessings for the NHS and the life changing reconstructive surgery they can do today. Adam Critchley in Newcastle’s RVI was my surgeon and he turned my world around. A silicone implant and yet more scars but this reconstruction has brought me back to life. Losing a breast is heartbreaking. Beyond heartbreaking. But then the magic of surgical intervention comes in to play and does its life changing magnificent thing.

For every woman who goes through this experience, who cries and sobs, feels alone, broken and destroyed and like its just not possible to carry on -OH BABY, YES. YOU. CAN.
You can do this. Dig deep. Deeper than you’ve ever dug before because theres a FIERCE warrior in you thats there waiting to rise and take you through the darkest and stormy of days.

So thats me, and some of the recent shit I’ve endured.
Its not a sob story. Not at all.
I’m lucky to be here, and I know it. In fact I feel blessed.
I’m just an example of how its possible to push through. Be your own hero and rescue squad. Glue and mend a broken soul.
Yes, it absolutely got messy.
Yes, I got hurt.
Yes, I got up and got through it.
Yes, I got strength I didn’t know I had.
YES, 100% I got this -and I sparkled a little bit too.